KittyKat #3: Face-Off With My Kitty Kat

by Marcophoto Upshaw
AKA: Mark E Lodge, USA

So, in KitKat #2 I regaled you with the hilarious tale of the tapeworm infestation I found in my new cat....of the "modeling glue" cure, and the bleak prospect of forcing a glue caplet the size of a NFL -approved football down her throat. I concluded with:

"Oh yeahh, I am soooooo gonna stuff this capsule the size of my thumb down her throat. I tried, but after she handed my face to me I thought perhaps another method might work better."

Here is the story of how she handed my face to me.

The instructions that came with the glue medicine mentioned that it MIGHT be difficult to get the large caplet down into the cat. THAT was the understatement of the century.

Lord. Anticipating that I just might have a teensy weensy problem, I looked for a way to restrain her a bit. True, her front claws had been removed by her previous owner, but her rear claws were very much intact, and her front SABER toothed tiger fangs worked just fine, thank you very much!

With a flash of inpsiration, I grabbed a large beach towel from the closet. I stretched it out on the bed, and folded it over long-ways, so that I had a long, skinny towel. Now I attempted to roll it around Kitkat to form a papoose. My intent was to flatten her legs against her body so she could not lash out at me. I figured that once she was tightly wrapped, all I had to do was hold the back of her head, and in-between hissings to pop the caplet into her mouth, push her jaws shut and gently stroke her throat. The medicine insert told me that gently stroking her throat would force her throat muscles to swallow that horse pill. What could be easier?

Sheesh. Who the hell wrote THOSE instructions...a research engineer?...sitting at his desk with a mounted cat skeleton, theorizing about the best way to force Object A (caplet) past Object B (cat jaws) down through Object C (cat throat) into Object D (cat stomach)? Yeah right buddy. Maybe you should put aside your calipers and calculator sometime and go work in a vet's office for a refreshing change of viewpoint. Where do they get these nitwits anyways?

I can just picture in my mind a bunch of engineering school graduates sitting together in a crowded room with an overhead PowerPoint projector, studying pictures of dead cats and discussing the best way to help the caplet slide down their throats. All very scientific. Pursued by the "best minds" in cat engineering.

And totally insane, because someone forgot to consult with the subject at hand, the cat herself.

Not only did KitKat NOT cooperate with me trying to wrap a beach towel around her like one wrapping a rope around a tree....but she fought like the devil, lashing and screeching as I grasped her. Or I should say, TRIED to grasp her. Have you ever tried to grasp a tornado? Suddenly that soft, gentle, sweet, nice, little three pound cuddly ball of fur turned into the wildest mini-tornado on earth. It was like trying to grasp a tornado that had just torn through a nail factory and sucked up approximately 500 railroad cars full of ten inch spikes into it's whirling vortex.

Wrapping a beach towel around that viciously whirling cloud of spikes was like trying to wrap a towel around these two Tai Fighters. Just speed up this video tenfold and add in swirling claws instead of fighting sticks:



In the end, KitKat huddled under the sofa, mewling hysterically, while I tried to reattach my face and sop up the 5 gallons of my blood that she had flung all over the walls of the kitchen.

"Hmmmm, time to try plan B....whatever THAT is," I thought. I looked at the medicine insert again:

"If you have difficulty forcing the caplet into the cat, you will have to pierce the caplet with a needle, and squirt the glue directly into the cat's mouth. However, this will cause the cat to foam at the mouth a bit."

A bit. HA! Another understatement of the century! And I will tell you all about it in the next installment, Kit Kat #4.

--Marco

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