Bathroom Blues and other Bodily Dysfunctions in Second Life

by Marcophoto Upshaw
AKA: Mark E Lodge, USA

Why do homes have toilets in Second Life ®? For that matter, why do we have kitchens and showers and boxes of kleenex?

It is one of the enduring mysteries. In a virtual land where nobody gets sweaty or smelly, nobody gets dirty, nobody blows their nose, wipes away tears, nobody eats, or...uhmmmm does the "numbers 1 or 2 thingies"....what reason could there possibly be to even have these products?

Of course, ONE reason is well known. The designers of products in SL have realized how sexually repressed the land is. We poor avies just don't have enough avenues open to us for having sex.

For this reason many product designers in Second Life ® have thoughtfully given us access to the sexual functions of our avie bodies through the use of their sex kitchens, sex refrigerators, sex toasters, sex christmas trees, sex pool tables, sex showers and yes, sex toilets.

Really. Yes, my tongue IS very firmly in my cheek.

In real life sex in the shower is an awesome thing. Woo Hoo, when I married as a strapping young buck I took my very nervous virgin bride into the shower before we undertook the consummation of our marriage, to help calm her down before "the act."

Of course you have to realize that I am an "older dude" and this was way back during the neanderthal period of history when couples did not have sex until they were married. "Yes Virginia...once upon a time Marco was a virgin too."

"HA!" says Virginia, "TELL ME ANOTHER FAIRY TALE! Marco was a virgin? Shoot he was BORN "experienced." I'd sooner believe in Santa Claus than to believe that Marco was ever NOT a virgin!"

Ehermmm Virginia, shhhhhh! Not so loud! Yes yes, there was a time before Marco became a Master Flirter, and President of Flirters Union Local #59876 when he was NOT "experienced."

But I digress.

I took my virgin bride into the shower. Turned on the water, pushed her in and heard her lovingly say to me....OMG THE WATER IS FREEZING, GET ME THE HELL OUT OF HERE! And leaping like a small elephant on amphetamines off an exercise trampoline she made a diving leap out of the shower, knocking me back across the spacious hotel bathroom, where I struck the toilet, spinning me around just in time for me to slam face first into the hard tile floors. OUCH!

After many bloody kleenexes, and much cooing from my crying bride, we gingerly tried the shower again, this time warming it up first, and proceeded to "warm up" our marriage. Nuff said.
But ohhh how romantic it was....me standing behind her..."Pass the soap honey," I said. "OK Marco," she responded, "but no funny stuff back there!"

Mmmmm such warm memories I have of our Real Life sex in the shower! And so I guess it makes sense to have sex showers in SL. And it is kind of an interesting experience since your avie never really gets wet, though the water vigorously cascades over you. I love the effect of watching the water hit the floor....and disappear. Oh how I wish it were like that in real life!

In rl all my showers are a three towel affair. Yes, three. "Nooooo, Marco does not have a lot of acreage to cover on his hot bod with towels." Nope. One towel of course is used on my hot body with its sinewy ropes of muscles....my body that is....the towel does NOT have sinewy ropes of muscles.

Towel number 2 goes to the head of the shower, along the floor, outside the shower curtain. Number 3 goes to the opposite end of the shower. These catch all the water that manages to escape my carefully pulled-and-tucked curtain. Because no matter how careful I am SOME of the water manages to pool outside my shower enclosure in a puddle roughly the size of the Pacific Ocean. Hence the towels, to mop up the mess.

But in Second Life ®??? Ahhhh it is amazing. All that water vanishes before it hits the floor. In one of my bachelor pads I actually installed a shower in the middle of my bedroom. Why not? It was strategically placed in a spot where after getting all romantical with my date of the evening we could hop in, strip down, and soap up. And the water never ruined my expensive virtual Persian rugs. Sweet!

Nonetheless, despite my appreciation for real life sex in the shower and for sex showers in SL....still it really stretches my imagination to figure out what one uses a SEX TOILET for! Mein gott! I have never ever associated "thingies 1 & 2" with the sex act. EEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWW.

Some-BODY is having serious DYSfunction syndromes in SL! Nuff said.

*************************
Now, I KNOW some of you are laughing so hard you are about to soil your chair at the office. Soooo, please take a moment and add a comment. You can remain anonymous if you like, though we would all prefer to know who you are. And if you don't leave a comment I am going to tell your boss who peed in your seat! --Marco