The Amazing Second Life Swiss-Army Penis

by Marcophoto Upshaw
AKA: Mark E Lodge, USA

Special thanks go to Caemlyn Witherspoon, owner of Club Carnage, for suggesting this idea to me.

***

What? you have never heard of the the famous "Swiss Army Penis?" Surrrre you have, but you are more familiar with it's normal name, the "Swiss Army Knife." It is that strange fold-up "knife" that has approximately one million crazy gadgets built into it.

I looked into the subject for this article. On the net, I found the Swiss Army SwissChamp XLT....listing for $245 US dollars; which is approximately $61,250 Lindens. That must be SOME knife!



It is truly amazing how closely the list of features of this RL knife correlates with the famous SL Swiss Army Penis. Let me go through the "points" of interest with you.

Swiss Army SwissChamp XLT Features:

"Length (Closed): 3.5 inches"

He heeee....oops that is the REAL LIFE length. In SL that length is about 5 feet. Is someone compensating? Yeah, yeah, we have all seen those stupid wooden-looking cocks the newbie guys wear. It is a definite stereotype in sl. The new guys "right off the boat" head for the famous sex rooms of sl. That is what brought them to sl in the first place of course. Not like the females of the species who came to sl to meet interesting people and befriend them. Noooo the male of the species came to sl to "meet interesting people and fuck them."

The very first thing the female does in sl is to head out to a freebie store to find some cute outfits and skins. The first thing the male does is to find the sex room and go crazy. But of course he does not have the equipment to do the job. This is one of the basic tools NOT found in the famous "Library" that all Linden noob avies come equiped with. But, Before long some sympathetic gal will give him his first cock. Of course it will be a freebie cock and look like it....a pale, tan, stiff thing of approximately 15 feet in length. Apparently in SL you can never have too much "wood."

Before too long, the noob male will find a way to make some Lindens, then head out to buy his first "Swiss Army Penis." Here are some of the OTHER things it comes equipped with:

"Engraving: Up to 10 characters can be engraved on the shield side of this item, and..."

Yesss, the average sl male has approximately 5 million tattoos all over his body, legs, arms, chest, neck, toes and Penis. I myself had the famous "barbed wire" tattoo on my first Xcite cock.

Continuing, here are some more "points" of interest about the Swiss Army Penis:

• Large Blade

Apparently useful for hacking your way through dense "bush"

• Small Blade

For whittling your wood into the right shape.

• Wood Saw

For cutting through all the wholesale BS found in SL.

• Fish hook with attached line

For pulling in your first "big one." Though honestly I think the makers slipped up on this feature. Noobs in sl just don't know how to flirt properly, and casting out a "line" like "nice tits, wanna fuck" just doesn't cut it. But, being that so many gals in sl are truly hungry for sex, the guy just might "get lucky" and pull one in.

• Fishscaler with Hook Disgorger

Well obviously this is so the guy can prep his SL gal for his first meal.
First he pulls out that hook, then he skins her.

I've heard so many stories of the bs guys tell noob girls in SL to lure them into sex. One of the common ways is to meet a gal on the dance floor. After having a bit of chat he'll ask her if she would like to tp "somewhere else." The trusting gal happily says, "Sure!" and envisions being swept off her feet in a swanky atmosphere. Instead, to her shock, she finds he has tp'd her to "Big John's Extremely Kinky BDSM Sex/Orgy Room." Oooooo yeah, buddy, that is just the perfect place to go for a first date! NOT!

• Scissors and

• Sewing Eye

For cutting and stitching together his RL cover "story" out of "whole cloth." This is the part where the guy tells the girl he "is single in rl" (not true...he has been married for 20 years and has three kids)....is a millionaire (he works at the QuickieMart Gas 'N Groceries) and he is "looking for his RL soulmate" (and if his rl WIFE finds out she will whack him to the moon and back.)

• Pruning Blade

This is one of those tools that are never used. It SHOULD be used, to prune some of the crap, and cut some of the "loose threads" from his RL "story."

• Magnifying Glass

This is a dual use tool.
HE will use it to concentrate the sunny, warm rays of amour to start a fire between them.

SHE will use it to find his...

• Small Screwdriver (3mm)

and

• Corkscrew

Which he will force into her "AHEM" after opening it with his

• Can Opener and

• Chisel

Other "tools" on his Swiss Army Penis include a:

• Wrench with: 
- 5mm Female Hex Drive for D-SUB Connectors
- 4mm Female Hex Drive for the Bits
- Bit Phillips 0 (Pozidrive)
- Bit Phillips 1 (Pozidrive)
- Bit Phillips 2 
- Bit Slotted (4 mm)
- Bit Hex (4 mm)
- Bit Torx 8 
- Bit Torx 10 
- Bit Torx 15
• Phillips Screwdriver

This diverse range of "bits" and "screwdrivers" ensures that he will have something that "fits" almost any variety of female psyche in SL, with the ability to completely and totally "drive" her crazy. Unfortunately, since he has so many different size "bits" to choose from, he will feel compelled to try them all out, often switching "bits" as he runs from female to female to female.

Meanwhile, when he is done using these gals, they will feel, rightly, like he has been very adept at using his

• Reamer and

• Nail File with Metal File

To ream her out and scrape away all feelings

After he is through, she will feel that he has used his

• Punch

on her.


Though he boasts of his prowess and length, most females feel that his

• Tweezers... are useful for finding his

• Toothpick

which is more representative of his capabilities


Also, she will feel that he used his

• Universal Hook (also Parcel Carrier)

to carry her along with his crazy RL tale.

Finally, after his RL wife finds out about his online shenanigans, he can use his

• Ballpoint Pen

to sign the divorce papers.


There are several other tools in the Swiss Army Swiss Champ XLT. Ladies, can you help me out in the comment section by telling me what you feel each of these OTHER tools are used for?

You may remain anonymous if you like, but please, leave a comment below about what you feel each of the following tools on the Swiss Army Penis are used for:

• Ruler (centimeters) (Perhaps for measuring his RL length?)

• Pharmaceutical Spatula (WTF?? The guy is out in the woods and needs this, for what?)

• Electrician's Blade with Wire Scraper

• Pliers with Wire Cutters

• Wire Crimping Tool

• Cap Lifter (Whatever the hell THAT is)

• Wire Bender

• Key Ring (to display his trophies??)

• Nail Cleaner

• Metal Saw

Leave a comment and tell us alllll about what YOU think these items on the Amazing Second Life ® Swiss Army Penis are used to accomplish!

Thank you!

--Marco

P.S. OMG, some of your comments are soooo funny, I decided to add them directly to this post...you know who you are Neko gal....

Anonymous said...

*Chortles madly and falls over gasping for breath...OMFG thats SU funny! I haveta give teh others a try...So here goes....:P



+Ruler....Yesh your right..They use this to measure and compare sizes.....


+Pharmaceutical Spatula......To take a sample for teh doctor to see what new DSTD (Digitally Sexually Transmitted Diseases) have been picked up and passed on....


+Electrician's Blade with Wire Scraper.....UHM to help shave a bush? :P


+Pliers with Wire Cutters - Why to ESCAPE of course as soon as things start getting serious :P


+Wire Crimping(Primping)Tool.....Gotta look good to hook.


+Cap(skirt)Lifter.....To help you look under their skirts of course P


+Wire Bender.....so they can fit into different...locations.


+Key Ring....yesh I do believe I see some trophies.


+Nail Cleaner....to make sure the bish's nails are clean :P


+Metal Saw....to chop bits off and help reshape teh latest piece of fluff.
#laughs Manically and rolls her eyes.


Who's gonna beat that lot then? :P

Ooooo THANK YOU Neko Girl! Can anyone else top her comments?

--Marco